Dr. Margo Lowy | Maternal Ambivalence: Making Peace With the Complexity of Motherhood

TL;DR:

This episode explores maternal ambivalence—the ability to feel both love and frustration as a mom—and how embracing this complexity can deepen our relationships and lighten the weight of perfectionism. Dr. Margo Lowy offers insights into guilt, flow, emotional honesty, and the healing power of re-mothering ourselves.

Loving and Letting Go: What Maternal Ambivalence Really Means with Dr. Margo Lowy

Motherhood is often painted as a linear, love-filled path—uncomplicated and instinctual. But for many women, the experience is far messier, full of contradictions, and layered with guilt, grief, longing, and yes… love. In this powerful episode of The Mama Making Podcast, Jessica sits down with Dr. Margo Lowy, psychotherapist and author of Maternal Ambivalence: The Loving Moments and Bitter Truths of Motherhood, to explore the full range of what it means to be a mother—and a human being.

If you’ve ever felt overwhelmed by how deeply you love your child and how badly you need space from them at the same time, this conversation is for you.

What Is Maternal Ambivalence?

Dr. Lowy explains that maternal ambivalence isn’t something to be feared or fixed. It’s not a sign of failure—it’s a hallmark of our humanity. At its core, maternal ambivalence is the experience of holding two seemingly contradictory feelings at once: joy and rage, connection and isolation, pride and grief.

We live in a society that often expects mothers to self-erase in service of their children, to push past exhaustion and suppress frustration. But that doesn’t reflect the truth of what it means to mother—not fully. Dr. Lowy argues that when we deny ambivalence, we lose access to deeper connection, both with our children and ourselves.

Why “Flow” Matters More Than “Balance”

One of the most powerful concepts discussed is flow—a more sustainable and self-compassionate alternative to the ever-elusive idea of “balance.”

Instead of striving for a rigid 50/50 split between work and family or needs and expectations, flow invites us to be with what is. To respond to each moment with honesty. To forgive ourselves when things are messy and to stop expecting perfection in places where real life is unfolding.

Flow, Dr. Lowy says, helps us honor our shifting identities and emotional landscapes as mothers.

The Guilt-Shame Trap

Jessica and Dr. Lowy dive into the difference between guilt (feeling bad for something we did) and shame (feeling bad for who we are)—and how motherhood often blurs the two.

Social media doesn’t help. Comparison culture has created impossible standards for what motherhood should look like, and too many moms are suffering silently under the weight of unspoken shame. This episode offers a reminder that your inner world is valid, and that voicing your struggles is an act of care—not selfishness.

Re-Mothering Ourselves While Raising Others

A theme that emerges again and again is the idea that we can’t show up for our children in the way we want to unless we show up for ourselves.

Dr. Lowy talks about the process of “re-mothering”—healing the unmet needs we carry from our own upbringing so we don’t unconsciously pass them on. This work isn’t easy. But it is transformative.

It might look like:

• Giving yourself permission to rest

• Setting boundaries with your kids and your partner

• Naming your feelings—without judgment

• Asking for help (and accepting it)

Ambivalence as a Gateway to Deeper Connection

One of the most liberating takeaways from this episode is that maternal ambivalence isn’t something to hide. It’s something to honor. Because when we can be honest about our full emotional experience, we create space for our children to do the same.

Dr. Lowy’s work invites us to see ambivalence not as a crack in the foundation, but as a portal to authenticity, empathy, and connection.

This conversation is a gift to every mother who’s ever thought, “Am I the only one who feels this way?” The answer is no. You’re not alone. And your motherhood—messy, contradictory, beautiful—is enough.

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